Break my heart for what breaks Yours
A few weeks ago I caught myself thinking about my future. Who I was going to marry, where I was going to live, how i would raise any potential children, what kind of job I would have... I had been thinking about these things a lot in the last few weeks..Then when I caught myself thinking about if , it suddenly dawned on me that none of these plans for the future included New Zealand or any other country than Rwansa. Then I knew. This is the place where I am going to stay, finally settle down and lay down my roots. And it feels good. I've only been here 2 months.. I didn't enjoy the first month so much but I have loved the second monfh. Some might think it very irresponsible to make a decision based on only 2 months experience... yes it may be irresponsible and not normal but it's the way I have always operated and it works for me. When I know, I know. For example my decision to move to different cities while living in New Zealand always took place after about 5 minutes of thinking ... and I never regretted any of those moves.
I'm building up a forever community here. My colleagues are becoming my best friends and my neighbours are becoming my adopted Rwandan family. I have joined a church and since yesterday I joined the church choir (or worship team). This means a commitment of attending practice twice a week for 3 months before I can sing on stage. My house every week is becoming more of a home. To think it was an empty space with just a matress on one floor and some clothes, 2 months ago. And now it is becoming a house and becoming filled with gifts from friends and Handmade local furniture. And I am thinking about buying land and already know where I want to buy land....
I'm also really starting to come into my role at work. There's been so much going on and I feel that I have really moved into the role slowly (which i didn't expect), but it's been good not to rush but to be careful, think a lot, observe a lot before taking any action . This last week I have had several situations which required social work intervention and was happy to contribute my knowledgr and experience to finding a solution for vulnerable children. I really like that I am able to work independently and I always have something to do. However it can feel really overwhelming when half of the home visits require intervention.
The issues I see and hear about all the time in my work and personal life keep me awake at night (well not all night just parts of it.) For example families whose children die due to illness are in .
There are families who have nothing to eat ..And I mean Nothing. Claire was just telling me about a kid she worked with yesterday who had no food last night and none today. Claire tired to encourage him that there would be food for him at home tonight. Imagine telling a child who hasnt eaten in two days "don't worry I am sure tonight you will get food"
Then there are children who are living in such bad situations of neglect and abuse that in New Zealand they would have immediately been removed from their families. There doesn't seem to be the same system in Rwanda so I worry about what kind of protection we can offer these children.
For all of these scenarios (all ones I have faced this week) there are solutions..But they are usually expensive.or require a great deal of creativity, diplomacy and energy. They keep me awake at night while I try to think of a solution which is culturally appropriate, empowering but also meets the immediate needs of the child. Luckily all my friends and colleaguea have great insights and ideas too and it is very much a team effort so the burden is shared among many.
Helping people is hard especially when you have a "saviour complex." My colleague said to me yesterday "Keza for every problem you see you try to find a solution for" and I agree. It's true that for every problem I see I can't rest until it is resolved. For example a few weeks ago I visited a hospital with the sole intention of giving about $15 worth of food to some of the sick people. I ended up in a two week long saga which involved a lot of negotiations,meetings, phone calls, money (thankfully not my own) in order to release ten women who weren't able to pay their medical bills. When it was finally finished I felt like I could sleep again. But I have banned myself.from going to that hospital again because I know if I see the same situation again (and I KNOW I will see the same situation again ) I wont be able to rest until I have resolved it. It's exhausting but I have an amazing support system in Rwanda who encourage me,pray for me and look after me.
I have to continue to find a balance between trying to save the world and letting God use someone else to do it. I have to also look after my own physical and mental health and ensure I don't get burnt out. Choosing a church which is full of middle class Rwandans was a conscious choice. I know if I went to a church with a lot of poor people I would spend the whole time worrying and thinking about the other church goers instead of focusing on God and my own spiritual growth.
I am so encouraged however that people look after each other so much in Rwanda. They contribute to each others lives even in their own poverty. From the families we work with there are so many examples of families who weren't able to pay medical costs but their village got together and contributed together to pay the costs. So many examples of people in their neighbourhood caring and taking in and.feeding their neighbours children who were not able to provide for their own due to poverty.
Another example of communtoy spirit is events. This month I have attended several birthdays, a wedding, a 3 day funeral, and visited someone with my work team who just had a baby and someone whose mother was sick. All of these events people are expected to contribute financially for. They say weddings are expensive to attend in New Zealand. Well it's also the case in Rwanda. Every wedding you are invited to -regardless of whether you know them well or are even planning to go the wedding you are expected to send money to "contribute" BEFORE the wedding. Which means that if you have a good job/money you will be invited to many many weddings for the sole intention of extracting money from you. My boss advised me."dont make too many friends here because having friends in Rwanda is expensive"
However, I really like that a whole community can pull their resources together to make an event like a wedding happen . Or a funeral , or a birthday.
I love that many people even those who don't have much -contribute and share what they have. We can learn so much from that in the West. Even in my own home I am slowly accepting that everything that belongs to me belongs to Claire and vise versa. She could easily walk in my room and borrow something from me without asking and she expects me to do the same to her... Which is happening more and more these days as I am fitting into more of her clothes.
And you know , I think this is how God intended for us to live. To share and to not be tied to our possessions. It's truly freeing and I love living a minimilast communal life.
So with all the highs and lows of every day -from seeing incredible injustice, suffering and poverty -to seeing incredible love, generosity and xommuniry- I think I have a good picture of what my life will be like in the future. Beautiful and rewarding but hard and exhausting.
One of my favourite songs had this line which I always resonated with
"Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your kingdoms Cause"
This reminds me that if I am going to live here , if Rwanda is going to be my forever home, then I need to keep myself in the Hands of My Father and to work for His kingdom and not for my own glory,sense of accomplishment And satisfaction. Because if I do that I won't last here a year. Pray that I may continue to find my purpose and strength in God. Thankyou for all your support and prayers so far.
P.s the goat project is slowly ticking along. We are working with local village leaders to establish which families could benefit the most from a goat. They were very excited for this opportunity in their village. Hopefully in the next month we will have delivered a goat to 50 families and it may be the start of a more prosperous life to some of those families.
I'm building up a forever community here. My colleagues are becoming my best friends and my neighbours are becoming my adopted Rwandan family. I have joined a church and since yesterday I joined the church choir (or worship team). This means a commitment of attending practice twice a week for 3 months before I can sing on stage. My house every week is becoming more of a home. To think it was an empty space with just a matress on one floor and some clothes, 2 months ago. And now it is becoming a house and becoming filled with gifts from friends and Handmade local furniture. And I am thinking about buying land and already know where I want to buy land....
I'm also really starting to come into my role at work. There's been so much going on and I feel that I have really moved into the role slowly (which i didn't expect), but it's been good not to rush but to be careful, think a lot, observe a lot before taking any action . This last week I have had several situations which required social work intervention and was happy to contribute my knowledgr and experience to finding a solution for vulnerable children. I really like that I am able to work independently and I always have something to do. However it can feel really overwhelming when half of the home visits require intervention.
The issues I see and hear about all the time in my work and personal life keep me awake at night (well not all night just parts of it.) For example families whose children die due to illness are in .
There are families who have nothing to eat ..And I mean Nothing. Claire was just telling me about a kid she worked with yesterday who had no food last night and none today. Claire tired to encourage him that there would be food for him at home tonight. Imagine telling a child who hasnt eaten in two days "don't worry I am sure tonight you will get food"
Then there are children who are living in such bad situations of neglect and abuse that in New Zealand they would have immediately been removed from their families. There doesn't seem to be the same system in Rwanda so I worry about what kind of protection we can offer these children.
For all of these scenarios (all ones I have faced this week) there are solutions..But they are usually expensive.or require a great deal of creativity, diplomacy and energy. They keep me awake at night while I try to think of a solution which is culturally appropriate, empowering but also meets the immediate needs of the child. Luckily all my friends and colleaguea have great insights and ideas too and it is very much a team effort so the burden is shared among many.
Helping people is hard especially when you have a "saviour complex." My colleague said to me yesterday "Keza for every problem you see you try to find a solution for" and I agree. It's true that for every problem I see I can't rest until it is resolved. For example a few weeks ago I visited a hospital with the sole intention of giving about $15 worth of food to some of the sick people. I ended up in a two week long saga which involved a lot of negotiations,meetings, phone calls, money (thankfully not my own) in order to release ten women who weren't able to pay their medical bills. When it was finally finished I felt like I could sleep again. But I have banned myself.from going to that hospital again because I know if I see the same situation again (and I KNOW I will see the same situation again ) I wont be able to rest until I have resolved it. It's exhausting but I have an amazing support system in Rwanda who encourage me,pray for me and look after me.
I have to continue to find a balance between trying to save the world and letting God use someone else to do it. I have to also look after my own physical and mental health and ensure I don't get burnt out. Choosing a church which is full of middle class Rwandans was a conscious choice. I know if I went to a church with a lot of poor people I would spend the whole time worrying and thinking about the other church goers instead of focusing on God and my own spiritual growth.
I am so encouraged however that people look after each other so much in Rwanda. They contribute to each others lives even in their own poverty. From the families we work with there are so many examples of families who weren't able to pay medical costs but their village got together and contributed together to pay the costs. So many examples of people in their neighbourhood caring and taking in and.feeding their neighbours children who were not able to provide for their own due to poverty.
Another example of communtoy spirit is events. This month I have attended several birthdays, a wedding, a 3 day funeral, and visited someone with my work team who just had a baby and someone whose mother was sick. All of these events people are expected to contribute financially for. They say weddings are expensive to attend in New Zealand. Well it's also the case in Rwanda. Every wedding you are invited to -regardless of whether you know them well or are even planning to go the wedding you are expected to send money to "contribute" BEFORE the wedding. Which means that if you have a good job/money you will be invited to many many weddings for the sole intention of extracting money from you. My boss advised me."dont make too many friends here because having friends in Rwanda is expensive"
However, I really like that a whole community can pull their resources together to make an event like a wedding happen . Or a funeral , or a birthday.
I love that many people even those who don't have much -contribute and share what they have. We can learn so much from that in the West. Even in my own home I am slowly accepting that everything that belongs to me belongs to Claire and vise versa. She could easily walk in my room and borrow something from me without asking and she expects me to do the same to her... Which is happening more and more these days as I am fitting into more of her clothes.
And you know , I think this is how God intended for us to live. To share and to not be tied to our possessions. It's truly freeing and I love living a minimilast communal life.
So with all the highs and lows of every day -from seeing incredible injustice, suffering and poverty -to seeing incredible love, generosity and xommuniry- I think I have a good picture of what my life will be like in the future. Beautiful and rewarding but hard and exhausting.
One of my favourite songs had this line which I always resonated with
"Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your kingdoms Cause"
This reminds me that if I am going to live here , if Rwanda is going to be my forever home, then I need to keep myself in the Hands of My Father and to work for His kingdom and not for my own glory,sense of accomplishment And satisfaction. Because if I do that I won't last here a year. Pray that I may continue to find my purpose and strength in God. Thankyou for all your support and prayers so far.
P.s the goat project is slowly ticking along. We are working with local village leaders to establish which families could benefit the most from a goat. They were very excited for this opportunity in their village. Hopefully in the next month we will have delivered a goat to 50 families and it may be the start of a more prosperous life to some of those families.
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